October 22, 2013

Wow its early to already be on the computer. Haha.
I have an ultrasound at nine am and then my routine doctor's exam at around 11:15 (hopefully they can get me in sooner).

I am feeling better today. My little anxiety episode last night was probably caused by me being pretty damn tired. I need to start sleeping earlier or taking an hour nap? Or maybe I just need to get off. All of those thing sound fabulous.

I think more than anything I am over being pregnant. In two days I am going to be 39 weeks and I am so ready to either be induced or have a scheduled Cesarean. That's what this ultrasound is about. I was measuring bigger at my last appointment and if Faye is as big as my doctor thinks, I might be having a section. I'll try and push for a scheduled induction though. Hopefully for this weekend.

Happy quote for the day:

October 21, 2013

This is hard for me to admit.
After being diagnosed with PTSD this summer (2013), I keep remembering random memories from my past.
Me asking my mom what sex was like at three, my mom saying something about my cousin teaching my body to urinate often at six (or maybe five).
I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I wanted to disappear from a very young age. The suicidal thoughts have been constant since around fourteen.

You'd think I'd be over it. I'm married to a wonderful man and I am almost 39 weeks pregnant with our first child, a girl named Faye. I love them both so much but I don't know...

How can I tell him that I think I was sexually abused as a child? I'd have to talk to my parents about it and that is not a conversation I want to have. At all.

Maybe I should go back on the antidepressants after Faye is born and leave it at that. But I also have a nagging feeling that I need to find out. But if I am a victim of abuse, will my husband still want me?

I'm a mess.